LOST IN THE RAT RACE

For the last few days, I have been having bouts of insecurity at work. Nothing major, mind you and people have not done anything that would cause a normal employee to worry, but I can’t help it. And just because you are paranoid does not mean people aren’t talking about you.

Back when I lived in DC, I was heavily involved in Democratic politics. I loved the work and seemed to do really well without even trying. Opposition research, media relations and even some general campaign consulting. People actually respected my opinion and sought it out. But then, I was sick of the campaign life and had pretty much reached as far as I wanted to go with it. Plus, I was beginning to hate DC. I sought out a new challenge and new city and went to law school in New York. (Actually, that was the first time in my entire life I really enjoyed school – probably because I was able to avoid any and all topics involving foreign languages and/or mathematics).

During law school, I was a paralegal at Big Corporate Bank. It was easy work and, with the exception of a major personality conflict with one of the Managing Directors (but really, she was so nasty that everyone had a personality conflict with her) I did well and people sought me out for special projects because they thought I could handle them without a lot of hand holding. Also during law school I was a law clerk at Small Liberal Law firm (where I now work). I got better assignments then some of the other law clerks and was told by associates and partners that I was one of the best they had ever had. At both jobs, I felt smart.

Then, I graduated law school and took a job at Local Union. Although the least senior person when I started, I quickly made myself an integral part of the team and again, just like at previous jobs, my boss sought me out for special projects. In fact, he keeps calling me to offer me my old job back with a promotion and a substantial raise. Last night he told me that he could not find a replacement for me and to name my figure to return. When I worked for him, he told me I was one of the smartest young lawyers he had ever met.

So what’s the problem, right? Well, it is with current job at Small Liberal Law Firm. Oh, I love the work and find it interesting. I really feel like I am learing. And, unlike Local Union or Big Corporate Bank, I think the people I work with are good people who really care about what they are doing. (To clarify, some of the people at Local Union were like that but enough were giant jerks that it was impossible to deal with them and no one goes to work for Big Corporate Bank because they care about helping working class people improve their economic situation). I just sometimes get the impression that people at Small Liberal Law Firm don’t think I am very smart.

Now, this could be all in my head, or it could be some hormonal thing because I took two birth control pills today to make up for forgetting yesterday, but it is likely related to my interview process. When I applied for this job, I already had good friends such as Photogenic Friend and Marathon Partner who worked here and were willing to tell me every detail of the hiring process – including that Senior Name Partner thought my educational credentials were not up to snuff and he preferred to hire Ivy League educated folks. (Big mistake in one case, but that is a topic for another post). So automatically, I am nervous about my work. Fellow Associate in the next office has had partners walking in and out of her office all day with assignments and works until 9pm all the time. I am usually home by 7pm and until 5minutes ago, no partners have given me new assignments in the last couple days.

The good news is I am not alone in this feeling. Fellow Associate told me she is jealous of my position because no one ever seems to check back in with me or ask to review my work. They just assume it is done. I am jealous of her though because she got to work on a case on which I wanted to work and because Senior Name Partner always takes her to trials with him. We laugh that together we are the perfect employee.

But still, I can’t help the insecurity I am feeling. Maybe it is the small fish/big pond thing or maybe it’s because my billable hours have been acceptable because during the elections I was swamped or maybe they really do just trust me to get my work done, but I am still feeling like I am not taken as seriously as I might otherwise be. If anyone has ideas or suggestions as to how to fix this, I would love to know.