SOUTH OF THE BORDER

For the second time this week, I crossed the border to my south and explored an unknown land – New Jersey. As a CT native who now lives in NY, New Jersey is a foreign land to me. Sure, I have been to Hoboken a few times when dragged there by friends who insist that the bars are as cool as NY, only cheaper (they are wrong) but mostly NJ is a place to drive through on my way to somewhere else. That all changed a few years ago when I met She Who Cannot Be Named (SWCNBN). SWCNBN is a friend who tolerates me despite the fact that I cannot pronounce her name. I have tried. Really. I think I say it right but she always corrects me with some pronunciation that, despite years of practice, I can not duplicate.

Worse, I consider SWCNBN to be among my best friends. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I am the Matron of Honor in her upcoming wedding. I have to give a speech in front of her relatives and am desperately working out a way to do it without using her name. But I digress…

Today I went to NJ in order to attend SWCNBN’s hair and make-up trial for her wedding and her first dress fitting. She looked so happy and beautiful that I could not help but be almost as ecstatic for her wedding as I was for mine. She looked so stunning that I would post a picture for everyone to see, but if I dare to post a pre-wedding picture of her in her dress, she will kill me. So you just have to imagine.

And this all got me thinking about the institution of marriage. Ever since I was a small child, I wanted to be married. So did most of the people I knew…even those with parents who were hardly the role models you would want. I am lucky in that I found someone that I wanted to be with and who wanted to be with me. And the timing worked out in that we both wanted the same type of relationship at the same time. But I am also lucky because I happen to be a heterosexual. If SWCNBN were a lesbian, I never would have gotten to see her smile the way she did today when she caught a glimpse of herself wearing a wedding dress. She never would have had people fawn over her hair and make-up and that is patently unfair.

I know many people in same sex relationships who are loving and committed and yet, just as important as not receiving health benefits and other benefits of marriage, they never get a day where people (even total strangers) will smile and fawn over them. Two of my cousins are in committed relationships. One just purchased a home and the other opened a business and they did it with the support (financial and emotional) of their respective significant others. I consider their partners to be part of our family and would love to dance at their weddings, but thus far, am unable to really celebrate with them.

When people discuss whether or not homosexuals should be able to marry (and seriously, how can someone claim the marriage is between a man and a women and keep a straight face? What are they so afraid of in their own marriage that will be destroyed by someone else’s happiness?) they always discuss the “important” issues like taxes and ability to make medical decisions. But what about the frivolity of a wedding? Why shouldn’t Cousins get to act goofy around each other, pose for endless pictures and have a night where the entire family travels for the sole purpose of celebrating their love and wishing them a lifetime of happiness? Why shouldn’t Cousin M buy Love of His Life the Harry Winston diamond of which Love of His Life has been dreaming? Why shouldn’t Cousin A laugh with TP when the florist makes an over the top suggestion? Why should anyone be denied the smile I saw on SWCNBN’s face today?

I for one, just hope that when Cousins are finally to legally “tie the knot,” I will still be alive to see the same smile I saw today. It’s something everyone should have the chance to experience.