I WILL BECOME ANOREXIC...JUST AS SOON AS I FINISH MY SUNDAE

I weigh myself twice a day – once before bed and once when I wake up. I hate my body. I think I am fat. The problem is, it does not matter how much I diet. I will always think I am fat. Before my wedding, I lost 20 pounds through good old-fashioned diet and exercise. I wore a size 4. In no world can this be considered heavy and I actually liked the way I looked…except for my thighs and butt. Now, I wear a size 6 and pretty much berate myself for it on a daily basis. But, the thing is, all my friends think the same things about themselves.

Now, I know what you are thinking. I can just go back to size 4 through the same diet and exercise regimen I tried for the wedding. Except I can’t. I have tried. First off, I went to an exercise boot camp three days a week, which was so expensive that I can never justify doing it again, even if it did produce the results I desired. Also, I pretty much stopped eating anything but plain roasted chicken and steamed vegetables, and I barely ate that.

Of course, there is the other issue lurking out there. I love the taste of food. Ice cream, rice, grits, steak… You name it and I eat it. And, once I take a bite, there is no stopping me. So I eat. And then I hate myself and vow to never eat again. And then someone says to me, “Lets meet for dinner and catch up.” I order French fries and the whole cycle starts over again.

There is Suzanne, who although cute and openly contemptful of all things "girly" constantly thinks she is fat. My friend, Wuzi, is beautiful. She has an infectious smile, curves in all the right places and an amazing sense of style. Wuzi is forever telling me how she is fat and ugly and yet I would trade bodies with her without a second thought. Sister is no different. The other night, Sister came over for sushi (on Mom’s credit card – thanks Mom!) and to use the computer. I mentioned to her how I was jealous she was so skinny, because I had gotten fat. Sister looked at me like I was nuts and told me she was terribly fat and hated how she looked. I grabbed my stomach pooch and told her she was lucky not to have it. She grabbed her arm and told me to watch it jiggle. This continued for several minutes as we stripped off our clothes to reveal the fat underneath. Wisely, Husband left the room.

Joan Jacobs Brumberg writes, "If an American woman dislikes her thighs, she is unlikely to like herself" (The Body Project, p. 128). In an effort to learn to like myself, I have tried every diet there is – Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, etc. – and even considered diet pills until Suzanne explained that they don’t keep you from eating, just from feeling hungry. I want to like the way I look and 10 more pounds would do it…for now. And then, ten more pounds. And then just another five. I swear I can stop anytime.

Maybe it has something to do with the Glamour Magazine on my coffee table. The magazine tells me to love my body, but the woman in the picture is already beautiful and thin. Or maybe it has something to do with the reruns of Sex and the City playing on TBS. Those women seem to do almost nothing but eat and yet never gain an ounce. Just once, I would love to see a movie where the fat girl winds up with an awesome career/relationship without having to lose weight first.

I suppose the female form was always a measure of society. There were corsets to achieve thin waists and bras so that breast could be perky. On a constant basis, we are bombarded by images of thin women. In American society, thin equals successful for a woman and even Katie Couric was too fat for CBS and had to be slimmed down in her publicity picture. Is it pathetic that I think she looks better in the altered photo? I am obsessed with Jennifer Aniston, not because I think she is a good actor, but because she looks good in a t-shirt. Husband does not even think she is pretty, but then again, he is more a Natalie Portman kind of guy.

According to UW-Madison, “the female body has always been a spectacle… It has always been molded to fit society's expectations and to be judged... Clothing size… [is] a gauge for success. From the 1920s to today, thin has been in. Companies make billions of dollars convincing women that their bodies could, and should, look better. Modern diets seem to be a constant battle. Dieting never ends — women are either on a diet, thinking about starting a diet, or between diets. And women are constantly obsessing over calories, carbohydrates, fats, sugars — whatever the current enemy may be.”

I take comfort from the fact that I am not alone and hopefully this time, instead of waging battle with my body, maybe I can broker a peace treaty with it and learn to love myself even if I don’t love my thighs.