Random Blog A Musing Farf

Friday, September 15, 2006


I have been thinking a lot lately about the nature of friendships between women. Well, specifically of my friendships.

I tend to make friends easily. Husband always jokes that I am the only person who goes to the grocery store and comes back with a phone number and a new friend. But these friendships are fleeting and transient at best. While Grocery Store Friend and I may meet for a drink or a quick brunch, we will never rise above the level of causal acquaintance and our conversations will never go deeper than wondering about who the real father of Suri Cruise may be.

But really, I have been thinking about the nature of best friends. Obviously, I have Sister who trumps all others, but there are many people I would consider to be a best friend. In the tri-state area alone there are CT Mom, SWCNBN, Wuzi, Suzanne and several others. I have no problem calling any of them to discuss big problems or small and can spend hours with each without getting bored and feel comfortable confiding in them even the most intimate secrets. Plus, they all are really fun to just go out with and grab a bite to eat.

And then there are people with whom I used to be best friend, but would no longer place them in that category. For example, there is P. A friend from whom I hear sporadically and shudder in dread when I see her name on my caller ID. We used to be inseparable but we grew apart. Well, I grew apart. She still tells me (and others) that I am her best friend but in reality, I can’t stand her. Well, that’s unfair. I like her well enough in small doses but anything more than 30 minutes and I want to strangle her. Then I call Sister and we spend hours making fun and tearing her apart in a way I know would devastate her if she ever knew.

But there is the age old question that no one I know seems able to answer: How do you break up with a friend? There are, of course, friends with whom no break up is necessary. Distance, family and other obligations mean that phone calls are less frequent and neither person harbors any hard feelings. No, the hard ones are the folks like K with whom you used to share an amazing friendship and according to her, you still do, but short of telling her, “I don’t particularly like you because you are boring and self absorbed,” she just won’t get it. And I don’t want to hurt her feelings. And I am too passive to tell her why we aren’t friends anymore and at this point, the list is too long. Sigh.

So, I go back to my avoidance of her calls and simply responding only when she catches me unaware or when I feel like not calling back would be just mean. I would love to know how other people handle this situation. Do you try and fade out? Do you tell the person what they did? And how to you explain that there really isn’t anything they did?

Or maybe, the best way is to post a blog about it and hope that P recognizes herself…


New mom said...

My father always told me that if you have one true friend in a lifetime, you have a lot. Obviously, you have a lot! I suggest that you only respond to their phone calls and emails. Don't initiate. Eventually they'll get the hint. Don't clog up your beautiful, full life with lifesuckers! If they are too stupid to get the hint, let them know the truth in a nice way. Good luck!

Suzanne said...

I go the route of don't respond to anything, and when she calls, tell her you have to go but will call her back, then never do.